Phillip and HIS Kind… The search for… Community.
It feels like I have been searching all my life for a group that is like me.
I have decided to give up that search. I feel like I will never find that group. I feel that I will never find a group of men that will not want to make me change to be like them.
There has been a process involved with coming to the realization that I simply need to stay within myself.
The start of the process was the never ending feeling, thoughts and stories that I gave to myself and took into myself that there was something “WRONG” with me. This is an ever ingrained story that I have been taking and then placing on myself for all of my life. I felt as a young child that there was something “WRONG” with me. I did not want to play the way the other children played. As a teen ager and as a young man I felt that there was something “WRONG” with me. I did not want to socialize and “date” in the way that seemed acceptable. I wanted to be with others who were like me. The longing to be with those who thought like me began at this time of my life. I believe that it is in my teen years that I really began to feel that I was damaged and I was at this time that I began to really feel shame about who I was. As a young man I simply felt freakish and sought out others that were freakish. Our shared freakishness was never the same. I was simply comfortable to be together with another group that seemingly felt the same push back from the world around them. As I grew older I isolated more and more and felt more and more separate from the world around me. I was fortunate in that I had a great partner and we have had a wonderful life together. The separateness and difference became all the more evident to me as I grew older and I simply could not identify with the roles. The names, labels, the identities that the world put on me never seemed to fit, I continuously worked to fit and see if I could “morph” myself into an acceptable form. The cloak of shame had hardened into a shell of resistance to the world and to those that would push their identity onto me.
There have been many “morphs” in my adult life, as I would work in earnest and deliberate ways to change myself to fit the role that I thought would work best for me to fit into the place that I was at in my life. There has been a lot of pain and emotion in this desire and effort to simply “FIT” in. I have never “FIT” in.
Time now, with this latest foray into yet another world of men, to stop working, efforting and trying so hard to “FIT” in. It is finally time for Phillip to STOP searching. Finally time for Phillip to simply surrender to the fact that he is perfect just as he is.
For all my life I have never fit in. I am well beyond the middle of my life. It is time to rest assured in myself. Time to come out yet again as a builder of safety, a powerful being and a man full of the skills of life that make him able.
I have lots of experience as being and feeling safe, powerful and able. It is now time to build on these experiences of being, time to stand steadfast in my knowing that I am here to assist others in finding their own safety, their own power and their own ability.
I am curious about how this newfound energy and newfound sense of direction will work to build more safety, power and ability in the world around me, as I share my gifts and the truth and beauty of who I am with the world and the men that grace me with their presence in my life and in the community that I live in.